For those who might be new and just beginning to explore the lifestyle, I thought it might be helpful to begin with a brief introduction. BDSM is an acronym with each letter standing for a specific activity; B (Bondage), D (Discipline), S (Sadism) and M (Masochism). The D/S can also refer to Dominance and Submission and the SM is sometimes used together to refer to sadomasochism. BDSM can refer to any or all of these things and lots more.
What kind of activities can one expect to experience while exploring BDSM? Well BDSM is as varied as the people who do it. Some enjoy tying others up, or being tied up themselves (bondage). Some enjoy spanking or whipping, either giving or receiving. Some enjoy giving orders to others and some enjoy being subjected to that type of control. The whole idea revolves around the concept of a power exchange. One person (the submissive) consensually gives up power over their minds or bodies to another (the dominant). BDSM can be highly erotic and often (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension and is highly psychologically charged.
When it comes to roles within the lifestyle, some people are submissive all the time, some people are dominant all the time and some people even like to switch, that is they may act as a submissive one day and dominant the next. Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it so it is very normal to enjoy lifestyle activities. BDSM is not necessarily the hardcore sadomasochism depicted in films; it can be remarkably subtle, sensual and loving. There are many people involved in BDSM who do not enjoy SM, that is, they aren't interested in inflicting or receiving pain. But they may enjoy tying up their partner or being tied up as a form of sexual foreplay. Similarly, there are many people who may like the psychological control they get from ordering their lovers to do things, but do not care for physically restraining or tying up their lovers.
The key as mentioned to all these different forms of BDSM is the exchange of power. One person (the bottom or submissive) chooses to allow the other person (the top or dominant) to assume control over him or her in some way, or to inflict sensation in some way. Perhaps it means allowing the other person to tie him/him up, to allow the other person to spank him/her or whatever activity is being shared.
One thing in particular that BDSM is not is abuse. There is nothing wrong or disrespectful about treating people the way they want to be treated as long as it is consensual and your partner is treated with respect and dignity. BDSM simply allows two people a way to explore and receive what they want. In an abusive situation, the abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive and the submissives safety and well being is always the first priority during play.
The dynamics of a BDSM relationship are actually somewhat of a paradox, as they are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and cannot be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It is the dominant's responsibility to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies. Dominating a partner does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not usually the case that a dominant is interested only in his/her own gratification. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else. A healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the dominant taking pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive and the submissive finding pleasure in gratifying the needs of the dominant. BDSM is not one-directional or selfish.
On the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. There are “hard” limits, things that a person absolutely will not do or even consider. There are also “soft” limits, things that a person won't do under ordinary, everyday circumstances, but will allow themselves to “forced” to do them in the context of a particular scenario that is being acted out. Also, the submissive always has a way to opt out. This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort and is referred to as a “safe word”. If the submissive uses a safe word, he or she has had enough and the scene is over.
Some people think anyone interested in BDSM is suffering from some kind of past abuse but this is rarely true. For the most part, people who are into BDSM are remarkably well-adjusted. People involved in BDSM generally are neither abusive nor come from backgrounds where they were abused, because people with that kind of backgrounds aren't likely to be sexually turned on by giving someone else power over them. For the most part, people who enjoy participating in BDSM activities simply enjoy the more intense sensations that BDSM play involves in comparison to ordinary or “vanilla” sexual interaction.
BDSM can be explored within the context of a playing a game with the other person (role-play) or it can be the basis of serious relationships. It can create a framework that allows you to have fun and explore some very powerfully charged areas of human psychology, and push your boundaries at the same time. In this way, BDSM can be a powerful tool for self-discovery, sexual exploration and a means of challenging boundaries and testing limits.
It pays to negotiate the basic parameters in which you'll play beforehand. Different people have different idea of what constitutes “force” or how rough “rough” is. If everyone involved isn't on the same page, someone may experience pain in a way that isn't fun. Different people want, need, and value different things. Negotiation is the means of respectfully recognizing those differences and is an integral part sharing BDSM play activities.
BDSM provides a context and a set of tools for exploring your own personal boundaries in a safe, fun, enjoyable, and mutually reciprocal way. It is a vehicle by which you can get to know yourself and your lover much more deeply and intimately than you might have thought possible. You probably have things that are a sexual turn-on that you don't even know you have that you will never discover without exploration.
What kind of activities can one expect to experience while exploring BDSM? Well BDSM is as varied as the people who do it. Some enjoy tying others up, or being tied up themselves (bondage). Some enjoy spanking or whipping, either giving or receiving. Some enjoy giving orders to others and some enjoy being subjected to that type of control. The whole idea revolves around the concept of a power exchange. One person (the submissive) consensually gives up power over their minds or bodies to another (the dominant). BDSM can be highly erotic and often (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension and is highly psychologically charged.
When it comes to roles within the lifestyle, some people are submissive all the time, some people are dominant all the time and some people even like to switch, that is they may act as a submissive one day and dominant the next. Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it so it is very normal to enjoy lifestyle activities. BDSM is not necessarily the hardcore sadomasochism depicted in films; it can be remarkably subtle, sensual and loving. There are many people involved in BDSM who do not enjoy SM, that is, they aren't interested in inflicting or receiving pain. But they may enjoy tying up their partner or being tied up as a form of sexual foreplay. Similarly, there are many people who may like the psychological control they get from ordering their lovers to do things, but do not care for physically restraining or tying up their lovers.
The key as mentioned to all these different forms of BDSM is the exchange of power. One person (the bottom or submissive) chooses to allow the other person (the top or dominant) to assume control over him or her in some way, or to inflict sensation in some way. Perhaps it means allowing the other person to tie him/him up, to allow the other person to spank him/her or whatever activity is being shared.
One thing in particular that BDSM is not is abuse. There is nothing wrong or disrespectful about treating people the way they want to be treated as long as it is consensual and your partner is treated with respect and dignity. BDSM simply allows two people a way to explore and receive what they want. In an abusive situation, the abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive and the submissives safety and well being is always the first priority during play.
The dynamics of a BDSM relationship are actually somewhat of a paradox, as they are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and cannot be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It is the dominant's responsibility to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies. Dominating a partner does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not usually the case that a dominant is interested only in his/her own gratification. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else. A healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the dominant taking pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive and the submissive finding pleasure in gratifying the needs of the dominant. BDSM is not one-directional or selfish.
On the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. There are “hard” limits, things that a person absolutely will not do or even consider. There are also “soft” limits, things that a person won't do under ordinary, everyday circumstances, but will allow themselves to “forced” to do them in the context of a particular scenario that is being acted out. Also, the submissive always has a way to opt out. This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort and is referred to as a “safe word”. If the submissive uses a safe word, he or she has had enough and the scene is over.
Some people think anyone interested in BDSM is suffering from some kind of past abuse but this is rarely true. For the most part, people who are into BDSM are remarkably well-adjusted. People involved in BDSM generally are neither abusive nor come from backgrounds where they were abused, because people with that kind of backgrounds aren't likely to be sexually turned on by giving someone else power over them. For the most part, people who enjoy participating in BDSM activities simply enjoy the more intense sensations that BDSM play involves in comparison to ordinary or “vanilla” sexual interaction.
BDSM can be explored within the context of a playing a game with the other person (role-play) or it can be the basis of serious relationships. It can create a framework that allows you to have fun and explore some very powerfully charged areas of human psychology, and push your boundaries at the same time. In this way, BDSM can be a powerful tool for self-discovery, sexual exploration and a means of challenging boundaries and testing limits.
It pays to negotiate the basic parameters in which you'll play beforehand. Different people have different idea of what constitutes “force” or how rough “rough” is. If everyone involved isn't on the same page, someone may experience pain in a way that isn't fun. Different people want, need, and value different things. Negotiation is the means of respectfully recognizing those differences and is an integral part sharing BDSM play activities.
BDSM provides a context and a set of tools for exploring your own personal boundaries in a safe, fun, enjoyable, and mutually reciprocal way. It is a vehicle by which you can get to know yourself and your lover much more deeply and intimately than you might have thought possible. You probably have things that are a sexual turn-on that you don't even know you have that you will never discover without exploration.
